A year has passed since I last blogged. We're midway into 2010...let's update. I turned 34, will be celebrating 9 years of marriage at the end of this year, 7 years of motherhood, and thanks to my boys who insisted I get on a scale, I discovered I have gained 8 lbs. since December. :(

As Mother's day nears, I'm riddled with many thoughts. Ryan is 4.5 and Nathan is a month shy of 7 years. It feels weird to have such "old" children.  I see all these moms with toddlers and newborns and realize I've already passed that stage. I can't decide if it is easier now or back then.  You would think after 7 years, it would have gotten easier but not really.  When I see the new moms with their little ones, I have to confess I feel a bit of envy.  A fresh start, mistakes have not yet been made.  Sometimes, I wish I could have a do over. To turn back time and undo all the wrong.

Everyday is a challenge filled with battles over meals, homework, bedtime and the constant refereeing. I know all shall pass and one day I will reflect back and miss these days.  A recent passing of someone made me think that I really need to cherish every moment I have with my family.  To enjoy my children every chance I get.  While I know this in my head and heart, the everyday battles overcome me and I find myself constantly yelling at my children.  Screaming and yelling all day long to read their books, practice piano, eat their meals, clean up their mess, to go to sleep. Then at the end of the day when the storm has come to a calm and they are asleep, I stare at their peaceful faces and am overwhelmed by guilt.  I whisper that I'm sorry and that I love them and close their doors. I go to bed thinking it will be different tomorrow but only to wake up in the morning to repeat it all again.

It amazes me that my children are what I love most in this world and yet they are my greatest stressors.  I have to confess, I'm scared, so afraid of what lies ahead for them.  The thought of them not turning out "right" scares me to death.  I fear all the mistakes I have made thus far will have a negative impact on them.  All the what ifs and should haves overwhelm me often times.  As my kids get older, I feel more stress to make sure I am providing all that I can.  I know it will never be enough but I find myself signing them up for sports, and lessons and trying to "teach" them how to read, add, tell time etc. and only find myself feeling more inadequate.  They bombard me with so many questions, desire so much attention and time. After 7 years, I still have not mastered a technique to juggle the demands of motherhood.

Despite all the challenges and fears, of course I'm glad to be a mother. The smiles on their faces, their quirky comments, their shy and quiet hugs and kisses seem to make it all worthwhile in my crazy mind.  Seeing just how much they have grown despite the plain simple meals put in front of them, how much they've learned despite the inadequate rearing makes me grateful and once again renews the (same) promise I make, to do better and try harder as their mother.

Happy Mother's Day to all the Mothers out there! :)

After we got back from Cancun, we went to Vegas for a short trip...